Monday, August 18, 2014

A Laxative Walks Into A Bar ...

Do not fire nail gun at people, pets or windows. Do not stick fingers in moving blade of finish mower. Do not get clothes caught in PTO drive of tractor. Do not drive tractor under low power lines with the bucket up. Unplug wood chipper before clearing jam. Do not handle chainsaw by its blade ... Back when I had the farm, I used to love collecting the craziest warning cartoons from the various pieces of equipment we amassed over the years, and speculate on the real-life situations that prompted them. 

(Which is an admittedly gruesome hobby, but, hey! We all get our jollies where we can find them.)

I've had fewer opportunities to amuse myself with large equipment in recent years--most of Arizona's and my yard equipment politely requests eye protection and caution when in use, and not much else. And, to be honest, he does most of the yard work anyway, while I keep the house more or less in order. (Not a particularly gender-neutral division of labor, granted, but it works for us. And, besides, I once read that couples in which the guy tends to do the traditionally male chores have more sex. Not sure if that's really a thing, but chicken, egg, who cares as long as you get scrambled on a regular basis?) 

The other day, though, I was putting away some stuff in the bathroom, and caught sight of the following on the box of an ear-wax-removing kit: Never use toothpicks or hairpins to remove wax from the ear canal. And I thought "Whaaa ...?"

You know how little snippets of favorite books get stuck in your brain? Well, one of mine is from one of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books, in which Ford (I think?) discusses finding detailed instructions on the side of a box of toothpicks, and knowing that the human race was ultimately doomed, because any species that needs help picking stuff out of their teeth with a stick is really beyond help. 

So the discovery of this little earwax gem got me wondering what other silliness might exist in my bathroom cabinet. I did a little rummaging around, and found the following:

On a bottle of painkillers: Do not take this product if you have an allergy to it. An allergic reaction may follow. (Paging Captain Obvious.)

On my solid antiperspirant: Do not ingest. (Doc Jess pictures herself thinking, "Wow, it's really hot out today, I better eat a whole stick before my date." *Nibbles on a stick of Lady's Choice.*)

On a bottle of spray sunscreen, a tube of aloe-based sunburn creme and a box of the fizzy denture cleaner I use on my Invisaligns: Not for Internal Use. (Because, really, I worry about my sunburning my internal organs, and it'd be easy to confuse my denture cleaner with my Tums. Not.)

But my favorite comes from a bottle of laxative tablets: Store at 25C (77F). Excursions permitted between 15-30C (59-86F). I had never before considered taking laxatives out on an excursion. Where do you think they would like to go? The beach, perhaps, or out to a movie? The mind boggles.

Okay, so maybe I didn't find any laughably dire warnings on my hair drier (I think that particular label fell off, and I know enough not to dry my hair whilst showering) or my pillow (I long ago tore off the tag that said "Do not tear off", 'cause I'm a rebel like that). But it turns out there's more entertainment in the bathroom cabinet than I would've thought. And that was just one shelf! One of these days, I'll go through the rest and report back. In the meantime, I'm taking my laxatives to the zoo. 


  1. I really needed that laugh this morning. LOL! It reminded me of a funny story my husband told me before we were married. He said that he had went to the store to get some One A Day vitamins and when he got to the car decided to read the label to determine just how many he needed to take daily. I told him never to tell anyone else that story for as long as he lived. But I on the other hand could tell it to as many people as I liked. :)

    1. Jesse HayworthAugust 18, 2014 at 7:10 AM
      ROFLOL, Carla! I have to confess I did something similar once, reading and rereading the One-A-Day label and getting all frustrated that there wasn't any dosage information on the bottle. Except, yanno, in the name. Snicker.

      Oh, and One-A-Day gummies? You gotta take two per day. Just 'cause they're messing with us!

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. It was Wonko the Sane who related the story about the toothpick instructions to Arthur Dent. It was the reason Wonko built the asylum for the world (he had the inside-out house).

    1. THANK YOU! I knew I didn't have that quite right, but was feeling far too lazy to go downstairs to my Keeper Shelf and look it up. (And knew that if I did that, I'd wind up reading instead of writing today.)