Monday, October 12, 2015

How DID you do that to yourself?

Back when I was in my early twenties, working as a landscaper (long story), I sprained my wrist. Upon arriving at the restaurant for a night out with friends, sporting a wrist brace, I got the expected "Uh, oh. What did you do?"

Me: I was pushing a wheelbarrow when the tire hit a rock and the handles twisted. I had a choice between hanging on or dumping a full load of dirt in the client's swimming pool. So. (I lifted my bandaged wrist.) The pool stayed clean.

Friend: Aw, come on. I was hoping for a better story than that. Like you got bucked off or lost your grip on a bar stool or something.

Me: Sorry.

This has, of course, been followed in more recent years with more interesting stories, like The Time Jess Dislocated Her Elbow, Put It Back In Its Socket, And Walked Back To Civilization and The Time Jess Went Over Her Handlebars And The Medic Was Wearing Fairy Wings (it was a Halloween bike ride). 

This past week, however, I encountered a most excellent version of the "How I wrecked myself" story, and (for a change) it wasn't mine. To whit:

Arizona (looking at his phone): What's a clavicle?

Me: Collarbone. Why?

Arizona: GW (his best bud of many years) effed his up and needs surgery.

Me: Ouch! What did he do, go over the handlebars?

(Phone makes beeping incoming-text noises.)

Arizona (reads): He hit a pack of javalinas.  

Me: A what of who?

Arizona: They're a kind of wild peccary, forty or fifty pounds each. I guess he was riding downhill in the dark and didn't see them in time.

Me: ??

Later, there was some gearhead discussion of how GW's suspension had performed while rolling over several of said creatures. Apparently, it absorbed the first couple of bumps, but after that, the javalinas won. (And all ran off into the bushes.) It was agreed that mountain bike suspensions generally aren't engineered for javalina. (And for Chrissakes, autocorrect, I still don't mean 'javelins'!)

I can just imagine the conversation if the question were to arise:

Bike designer 1: Javalina? Really? Who does that?

Bike designer 2: Some guy in Arizona. But maybe we should run some tests, see if we could change the dampening on the shock to absorb bumps like that.

BD1: Test? With what? A bunch of hams?

BD2: Two words: Pig Roast.

BD1: I'm in!

The moral? Sometimes truth really IS stranger than fiction.


  1. Replies
    1. Right? I can just imagine writing that scene and having a reader go 'Yeah, right. You're pushing it.' LOL.

  2. Geez, I'm glad the javalinas were freaked and ran away. They're not like big honkin' wild boars like we have back east, right? Granted, piglets are cute, but big hawgs scare me.

    1. Me, too! But I guess these are a different flavor of not-quite-pork.

  3. BTW, the Capcha wanted me to click all the pies, so I clicked on the pizza, too. Nope! Just FWIW, which isn't much, but I thought it was funny.

  4. Confirms to going downhill is dangerous. :)